Chuck U. Farley's Bar & Grille

Farleyisms

1. Dream, but don't quit your day job.
2. Do not get drunk around strangers.
3. Never trust someone who says they never took a drink in their whole life.
4. Don't ever pick a fight with somebody that's really ugly-lookin'.
5. Nobody ever went broke sayin' "hello" or "good evening".
6. Do not marry a woman with thick ankles as it is natures way of saying she will be carrying a wide load in the future.
7. When you go to the zoo bring food for the animals, remember it wasn't the animals that put the signs up "Do Not Feed Animals"
8. Most people don't sound dumb until they start talkin'.
9. Do not eat something if you don't know what it is.
10. Whenever somebody says "I am here to help you," hold on to your wallet.
11. Do not make excuses unless you have to.
12. Honesty is the best policy unless you are a crook.
13. Being an idiot is a lot of fun when ain't nobody lookin'.
14. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
15. If you put your money where your mouth is, you will look very strange to other people.
16. If you don't know where you're goin', you will probably wind up there.
17. If you are gonna screw up, do it while you're young. The older you get, the harder it is to bounce back.
18. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
19. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
20. Do not ever roll dice with a guy named "Bones".
21. Is there another word for synonym?
22. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
24. One nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
25. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

26. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

28. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

29. Those who live by the sword typically get shot by those who don't.

30. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

31. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

32. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

33. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

34. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

35. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

36. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

37. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

38. Be careful what you wish for, Uncle Chuck likes making stupid people's wishes come true and then telling everybody about it right here.

39. Why DUI When You Can Fly ??? Check out our Puddle Jumper Shuttle: "From watering hole to watering hole".